For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
But now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.
You visit the earth and cause it to overflow. ________________
A friend recently told me that in the Catholic church they practice novena. I'm not Catholic and didn't know what that was so I looked it up and found that it is nine days of prayer and devotion to obtain special graces. It has a long and diverse history that I didn't fully read about, but in the past it has been practiced at different times and for various reasons. The nine days leading up to Christmas is one of those. During these nine days, symbolic of the 9 months Christ was in Mary's womb, the people pray for Christ's coming. So much of Christmas is tradition and just what people do without thinking about it. I like hearing about how other cultures celebrate and worship - it gives fresh persepective as I look on from the outside, and allows me to see the reality underneath all the hoop-la. I like the idea of novena - though I think its more real than just a religious idea. The reality novena speaks of is God on earth. Did God really come to earth? That is the claim...and it is an extraordinary and rather ridiculous claim if you think about it. I've thought about it a lot, and I decide to pray the novena. I don't know what special graces are exactly, but God's kingdom on earth strikes me as something extremely special and more full of grace than anything else I could think to pray for. And so I pray for Christ's coming...."Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
I just got a new computer (well, >2 mos. ago), but still, I haven't gotten any music on it yet, so I put a cd in at the beginning of the week, and have just been listening to that same cd ("Can You Hear Us?") over and over. Currently my favorite song is track 5: "Elizabeth". I can't decided whether I find it encouraging or discouraging.
__________________ and You can save a whole nation at a time, but I'm just asking You tonight... please save Elizabeth. I'll keep on listing those I love, or ask for all the nations to come, or plead for those who have never heard, and those who've been hurt by the church, or beg for those who have nothing to eat, or little girls being sold for pennies, or ask for freedom for the slaves in chains, or for peace to come where wars rage. And I know that You can save a whole nation at a time, but I'm just asking You tonight... please save Elizabeth.
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There are things I want... by things I don't mean material stuff... I can't help but think that surely God wants the things I ask Him for too b/c they are good things. So I pray for them...and I'm convinced God must consent ...they are good things!
Was visiting with a dear person recently... had a hard life. And I can't imagine living that life, can't imagine I'd be able to endure it. I assume myself exempt from such hardship...that I, for some warped reason, think I should have a rosy life, blessed beyond measure...is this a health and wealth gospel I've adopted for myself? Why do I think I should have everything I want when my friend has suffered so much...do I think myself better???
And then I listen to this song...oh, man am I self centered!!! so consumed with praying for these things I want, they are good things of course, but they certainly benefit me too. I pray for these things while others pray for food, pray for war to leave their country, pray for protection from violence and sexual abuse...and many of these people have been praying far longer than I have.
So that's a little discouraging...to be reminded, "Hey, there's people out there with far greater needs than you, and they're still waiting for help...so get in line." I hate waiting in line...
but I'm also encouraged. hmmm, not sure why, but I am. The world is undone from all sides, and all the gazillions of people covering its surface - they've all got their hands in the air - all wanting something. I'm one of them. Just one in the crowd. But I'm encouraged because crowds never seemed to be a problem in the past...
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feeding of the 5,000 Mark 6:34 & 42 "When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd...They all ate and were satisfied."
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healing the paralytic Mark 1:4 & 5 "Being unable to get to Him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above Him...and Jesus, seeing their faith, said to the paralytic, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'"
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Mark 1:33 & 34 "And the whole city had gathered at the door.... and He healed many who were ill with various diseases."
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Mark 5:24, 27, &34 "and a large crowd was following Him and pressing in on Him...she came up in the crowd behind Him and touched His cloak...And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.'"
So, supposedly there's a clothes store in NYC where the window display consists of live models dressing and undressing. They were talking about it on the news, and two commentators were brought in to discuss whether this was morally ok. The commentator in favor of the window display argued the following: "Sex Sells!" Indeed it does. ..."What in the world kind of arguement is that!?!"
Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him Job 13:15 ________________ "Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome." U2 _________________ Oh, it's gonna take some blood to see the nations come come now, let us go track 12 from the album "Can you Hear Us" ____________________ He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood. Luke 22:44 __________________
My dad's initial answer to most requests was usually "no". "Can I get a coke?" "No" "Can I rent a movie?" "No" I soon discovered, however, that if I really really wanted something I could most often get it...but I had to work hard to get it. Movies and cokes weren't usually worth the effort to me, but a trip or adventure... now that was something I was willing to fight for...and I did. In 7th grade, I wanted to go to France. Dad's initial answer of course was "no"...but I went. He didn't pay for it, or make it easy to go, but he let me work for it. In college, I wanted to go to Guatemala. Dad's initial answer was "no"...but I went. Sometimes the initial answer was the final answer. There were those times when I'd ask, and push, and push, and the answer would remain "no" because he really didn't think it was a good idea. After college, I wanted to go to Africa. Dad's answer remained "no"... I was old enough to make my own decision and I could have gone, but I wanted his blessing, so I decided not to go. Sometimes in the middle of the fight I'd realize, "maybe this isn't worth fighting for - maybe its not what I really want", and that's fine too. But most of the time I think he was just resisting at the start to see how badly I wanted what I was asking for...and if I really wanted it and fought him for it...then he'd usually consent and let me have my way.
In general I think its a bad idea to project experiences with our dad onto God. We pray "Our Father, who art in heaven..." For many, who've experienced absent or abusive fathers, this prayer is not very comforting. But God is "our Father in heaven" - the perfect dad. My dad is not perfect, but he's a pretty good dad, and in this case I think his parenting of me helps me to understand how God wants to be my father. I think He too wants me to ask Him for what I want, and to fight hard for it. Often when I want something from God, though, I give a half hearted plea. Why don't I insist the way I've always done? Is God wanting me to insist more than I do...to wrestle with Him a bit...to fight with Him a little - maybe even a lot? Is He testing me to find out what I really want, and how hard I'm willing to fight for it? Certainly there are things that are just not a good idea, and no matter how hard I fight, God's answer will remain "no". But I wonder ...are there some things I just haven't bothered Him enough about?
_________________ But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue with God.
Job 13:3 __________________ ...ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Luke 11:9-10
Then the Lord God formed man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. Genesis 2:7
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Dust and breath. Not one or the other, but both. There is an animal nature in us...to protect ourselves, to feed ourselves, to reproduce ourselves...and all the chemical, physiological STUFF of our material bodies that make us that way. It is good, but it is not all. We are dust and...breath. Not just the breath that delivers oxygen to our lungs and keeps all those chemicals functioning, but the breath that is life and freedom. Freedom from the STUFF. Freedom to be vulnerable, to fast, to deny oneself...and to love.
So often though we treat people like dirt - just dust from the ground...dust without breath.
Was recently talking with a friend about whorehouses, prostitution, pornography... nice conversation right? but such things pervade our society - people being sold as a consumer product, people being used and abused. The whorehouse is the extreme example, but we buy and sell our friends and "loved ones" in a similar manner everyday. It is so hard to not treat people as something to entertain me, to distract me, to help me, to prosper me...so hard for me, me, me. I take a deep breath, and greet my friend again, hoping this time I will deny myself and love another. Hoping this time I will not be a slave to this animal instinct in me - to serve only me. Hoping this time to be free from me and love another...I think I'm gonna have to "hurt for it, work for it", but I'm convinced its worth it..how else can I be "a living being" (Gen 2:7)
_____________________ Well we hurt each other, than we do it again You say love is a temple, love a higher law. Love is a temple, love the higher law. You ask me to enter...and then you make me crawl! ___________________ Yeah, you hurt for it, work for it...LOVE. You don't always show it. You wanna be the song, be the song that you hear in your head... LOVE."
It is week 12 of my training for the Gainesville marathon set for Valentine's Day 2010. I'm hoping not only to finish the race, but also to run fast enough to qualify for the Boston Marathon. It is a lofty goal for me... and one that I'm not so sure I am capable of attaining...
I'm considering another goal for Valentine's Day as well. It is even loftier... and one that I'm quite positive I'll not attain, especially not byFeb. 14 ...if ever. The speaker at my seminary graduation ceremony challenged the graduates: "get good at loving well". I didn't know what he meant really, but a few years later I've decided its a challenge worth pursuing. Maybe the only thing in life that is whole heartedly worth pursuing. I realize this will be a life long pursuit, and not something I'll achieve over the next 3 months, but its helpful to set milestones on a long run, and for thematic purposes Valentines Day will be the first mile marker in my training to get good at loving well:)
I recently finished reading "The Art of Loving" by Eric Fromm. "Is love an art?" he begins, "then it requires knowledge and effort." Fromm says that love is the one thing that everyone wants, but very few ever truly attain. If I look around, I'd have to say "yeah, that strikes me as a true statement". And if I look at myself I have to say the same thing...where's the love??? And I don't just mean romantic love, but love between friends, family, self, God, and yes, romantic love too:) Love is rarely attained, Fromm says, due to a lack of knowledge and effort. Not luck? Not meeting the right person to love? No. Knowledge and Effort - understanding what real love is and putting effort into attaining it. We have adopted distorted notions of what love is from our culture. One of those distortions is the idea that love is something one "falls into" (based on emotions), or just a matter of meeting the right person - someone that is easy to love. We assume that real love should be easy and not require any work or effort on our part. But Fromm says that love is not something for the lucky few, but for those few willing to train and work for it.
Today's long run was 18 miles - and I questioned myself: "why am I doing this? ...it is so hard!!!" I'm doing it because it is good for me (it makes me a stronger and better person), and because all the effort will be worth it when I cross the finish line come February. Ok, actually it has nothing to do with Feb 14 - race day - valentine's day. It has everything to do with the training and who I am all the days leading up to race day. Am I a runner? Am I a person who loves?
"The practice of any art," Fromm argues "requires discipline, concentration, patience, and a supreme concern with the mastery of that art" - the same is true for learning the art of loving. I do not like any of those words: discipline, concentration, and patience - but there are things of supreme concern to me that I am willing to practice discipline, concentration, and patience for. The marathon requires this of me...am I willing to practice these things to also get good at loving well? Training for a marathon is so concrete and easy to measure and observe your progress in. Love is much harder to measure - and as such, perhaps it is more worth the striving for.
1. A reminder: God can salvage our mistakes: even the big mistakes. Didn't he raise the dead?, heal the paralytic?
2. A challenge: God is powerful - do we only ask God for things that we can already take care of, or do we dare ask for the things that can only come about if He steps in - do we believe that He'll step in?
3. A blessing at the altar: "thank you for the calling You have put in her heart, help her to carry it through, and give her the strength and courage to do so."
4. a song:
Everyone needs compassion Love that’s never failing Let mercy fall on me Everyone needs forgiveness The kindness of a Saviour The hope of nations
CHORUS Saviour He can move the mountains My God is mighty to save He is mighty to save Forever Author of salvation He rose and conquered the grave Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me All my fears and failures Fill my life again I give my life to follow Everything I believe in Now I surrender
I know I write the same things over and over, but I keep forgetting what I write, then the truth hits me again - hits me as if for the first time, and I can't help writing about it again. So here goes another song lyric and running narrative...
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In this posture let me live and "hosannas" daily give in this temper let me die and "hosannas" ever cry
this is a favorite - it's the last verse from the Indelible Grace worship song "Jesus Cast A Look on Me". For some reason I really like the Christian life described here as a "posture" in which we daily live. I can't help but picture a confident, skinny, tall woman with fair skin, red lipstick and excellent posture. She's not a snob, but she's quiet, confident, disciplined... she's beautiful.
I've always been a bit of a sloucher. Sometimes I'll become cognizant of my hunched over state, and sit up straight for a moment, but gradually my shoulders fall forward again and my back begins to curve. I've heard that slouching is as much a cause as it is an effect - it is the result of having low self-confidence, and it also causes you to feel less confident - I think I read that in one of those teen magazines many years ago - so "shoulders back and chin up" Seventeen told its readers.
I started thinking of all this on my run last night. I started out very conscious of my running posture - trying to piece together all the tidbits of advice I've heard over the years - shoulders back, slight lean forward, lift your feet straight up to your knee, arms relaxed and parallel to your body, chin up - look ahead, not at your feet....then I started thinking about this whole posture thing - the Indelible Grace song above, Seventeen magazine... my mind started to wander and I realized that I was no longer thinking about my running posture. So I straightened up again, arms relaxed shoulders back... but shortly thereafter my mind began to wander, and again I forgot about my posture. In the course of that 30 minute run, my mind probably wandered off about 5 times - that's a pretty short attention span:)
Posture - good posture. I'm not just speaking of a straight spine. It is how one carries herself, her own weight and the weights placed on her, how one walks through life. Good posture is a mark of refinement and discipline - acquired with practice. I will occasionally forget, and my mind will frequently wander, in which case I will just sit up straight and straighten up again 'til it's all my body knows to do. Good posture is a mark of confidence. It says: "I am Beautiful" - not Seventeen beautiful... indelible grace beautiful. Good posture is the result of a life well lived and also the very thing that helps you to live well.
"The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear" U2 _____
Everyone wants to be cool. I try to be cool, but its just so hard:) Its neither hot nor cold, just somewhere in the middle - apathetic. Its "cool" to be cool, "cool" to be apathetic, to not care, to be unaffected and without emotion - don't let any body or any situation rattle you. But its so hard because our little human heart is always wanting to go crazy - to believe in something, to be on fire about something. We care.
A dear friend and her husband stopped through Gainesville last week to visit - they are super cool people - what I mean is that they are really "wonderful" people, but "apathetic" by no means. They've packed up their house and are off to Ethiopia in a few months to minister to young women brutalized by sex trafficking and looking to start life afresh. They left me a cd they'd recently picked up called "Can you hear us?" (not by the David Crowder Band). Its not an uplifting-easy-listening sort of cd - all the songs are about social injustice. As I listen on my way to work this morning, I find myself wanting to cry - I feel a little ridiculous at the stop light, and hope no one will look over and see me. I especially like the first song on the album - the chorus is catchy, and I find myself still singing it long after the car engine is turned off and the cd stops.
"Wouldn't this be ridiculous!"
The verses are a series of hypotheticals: "What if we...(did something for the oppressed), Instead of...(doing something for ourselves)". In our cool culture that really is ridiculous and extreme...and a little edgy. What if we cared, and lived as if we cared about something bigger than ourselves? I feel suffocated and get claustrophobic just chillin' in the middle of cool - let me outside, let me be a little crazy. I want to be ridiculous.
Today I got to read the first lesson and psalm in church. I love to read aloud - so this task fits me well:) Today's reading was quite long though, and contained a list of OT names that weren't so easy to pronounce, so I wasn't totally feeling it and hurried my way through. Feelings are so unreliable I've discovered (again and again and again...). They were unreliable again today. This "long and boring passage" contained more than I initially thought - the message I needed to hear. It was the story of Hannah, who was barren, but prayed to God fervently for a son. I'm sure she must have felt weary of saying that same prayer over and over. But in time, God blessed her with a child, and she bore a son whom she named Samuel. Today's gospel lesson from Luke 18 made the same case for persisting in prayer - "And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart..." The sermon naturally followed: don't give up! keep praying!
I feel like giving up far too often. I went for a run before church this morning. I'd been feeling tired and heavy all week. I attempted to do a longer run yesterday and didn't make it as far as I would have liked, so I tried again today - hoping that today would break the cycle. I started strong and felt good for most of the way, but then I started feeling tired again, and felt like giving up. My mantra for the remainder of the run: "It's ok to feel tired, JUST KEEP GOING!"
I've got this energy beneath my feet like something underground's gonna come up and carry me.
I love to travel. For the past two weeks I've been house and dog sitting for a family on the other side of town. They will return this afternoon, so this morning I packed up my stuff and drove back to my house in NW Gainesville. As soon as my body is put in motion, my mind takes off as well. I don't have to move far, just be in motion - I think it keeps me fresh, alive, new - it does something. I am in between here and there, and there's a freedom of thought and independence in that place. Reminds me I'm not stuck in a moment and not stuck in a place. I'm living, moving, breathing - I'm free and I like it.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to one who sees past all I can see
Again my perspective unravels, again my mind needs renewed. Always coming back, cause I'm always wandering off. Prone to wander...
Lord, my will has deceived me please come and free me come rescue this child for I long to be reconciled to you refine me
all I can do is give my heart and soul to you and pray... and pray... oh, I will pray
Walk with me empty, walk with me strong The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long It is like a balm, it is like a jewel It unravels all I thought I knew
this morning's psalm: 139 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You. O that You would slay the wicked, O God; Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. For they speak against You wickedly, And Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; They have become my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. ________________
Today I am overwhelmed with God's love. Can I hold it in? - not really - it seeps out through tears from my eyes and in songs from my lips. It is a strong love - more than I can think to want or ask for. It is passionate and seeking, jealous and possessive. and it is love for ME!?! _____________ today's ipod selection:
So why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need You know what I need Your love is Your love is Your love is strong Two things you told me That you are strong And you love me Yes, you love me -Jon Foreman
...Remake us and lead us by your spirit, the comforter...
...and blessed be His kingdom, now, and forever. Amen ...Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known... ...You are seated at the right hand of the Father, receive our prayer... ...as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen. ...Through Him all things were made. For us and for our salvation.. ...May we also come to share in your heavenly kingdom... ...Heaven and earth are full of Your glory. Hosanna in the Highest... ...Give us this day our daily bread... ...Therefore let us keep the feast... ...We come to your table as your children, not presuming, but assured, not trusting ourselves, but your word... ...Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ...
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words...words...words...
This was today's liturgy - the same words we spoke last week - we will say them again next week. I felt both excited and frustrated speaking them again today. The words speak of truth and life, and I know it, and it is exciting to be so close to something so real. Close, but not there - the words are just out of my grasp, and that causes the frustration. I want to wrap my mind around them, and understand their full weight, control them - but I can't. The words of the liturgy are deep - I can't get the full meaning of them, and even if I could get at the fullness of these words, the reality they themselves attempt to express is much deeper still.
Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! Romans 11:33
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God's action and presence among us is so beyond our comprehension that sober description and accurate definition are no longer functional...all language, but especially language that deals with transcendence, with God is inadequate and falls short. -Eugene Peterson, Eat This Book
Psalm 52 Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me Do not cast me away from your presence and do not take your Holy Spirit from me Restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. _____________
I am trying to teach my mind to bear the long, slow growth of the fields, and to sing of its passing while it waits -Wendell Berry _____________
In this posture let me live and Hosannas daily give. _____________
There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain. Every change involves a loss of some kind: You must let go of old ways to experience the new. We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar.
Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life
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As one who gets sentimental over a "worn out pair of shoes", I immediately recognized myself in Warren's description of someone resistant to change. But change is what the Christian life is all about - allowing God to strip you of the old self in order to clothe you with the new. I don't mind getting new clothes - I just don't like parting with the old ones:)
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This recliner rocking chair has been in my house since before my life began until last spring when it got taken to Goodwill - 27 years together and now some stranger is sitting in it! I was quite adamant about keeping it, but mom was quite adamant about removing it from her home. To her it was ugly, but to me it was full of memories. I liked running my fingers over the rough textured 70's gold, brown, and rust stripes. I remember my sister and I burying Aunt Becky with pillows in it when I was probably 5 or 6, and its where my mom usually sat to nurse my younger sister, and apparently me and my older siblings as well. I liked sitting in it when I was home from college because it was cozy and familiar - it was home.
posing w/ the recliner rocking chair and a cypress knee that used to adorn my grandparents' house
To alleviate the pain of separation, mom suggested I take a picture to remember it by, so I did, and began taking pictures of every other object in the house that I had a sentimental attachment to as well - there were many. A great idea I thought, and one I plan to continue putting into practice - so many life stories those photos contain.
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Lucinda Matlock
I went to the dances at chandlerville, And played snap-out at Winchester. One time we changed partners, Driving home in the moonlight of middle June, And then I found Davis. We were married and lived together for seventy years, Enjoying, working, raising the twelve children, Eight of whom we lost, ere I had reached the age of sixty. I spun, I wove, I kept the house, I nursed the sick, I made the garden, and for holiday rambled over the fields where sang the larks, And by Spoon River gathering many a shell, and many a flower and medicinal weed- Shouting to the wooded hills, singing to the green valleys. At ninety-six I had lived enough, that is all, And passed to a sweet repose. What is this I hear of sorrow and weariness, Anger, discontent, and drooping hopes? Degenerate sons and daughters, Life is too strong for you- It takes life to love life.
by Edgar Lee Masters _____________________________________________
Growing up is hard, but that is LIFE. Perhaps I make it harder by being so sentimental and resistant to change, but I'm glad to feel it so strongly. Life is good!
What does the future hold? So far I've not predicted it, but I keep trying. It is a life long question. I hold my breath in anticipation of the answers - tense and unsettled. Relax, just breathe!
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If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving... Don't worry about missing out. You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. -Matthew 6:30-34, The Message
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from "Breathe" on the new U2 album: No Line on the Horizon...
Every day I die again, and again I'm reborn Every day I have to find the courage to walk out into the street with arms out got a love you can't defeat neither down or out there's nothing you have that I need I can breathe Breathe now
I've found grace inside a sound I found grace, it's all that I found And I can breathe Breathe now _______________
from my journal on Sunday 3/26/06...
Always coming back to this same reality: life is a breathing in and out, a heart beating over and over again, a nourishing daily - Psalm 37:3 Trust in the Lord and do good today Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness ________________
God gives grace for today, to breathe in and out - what a freeing and boundless grace it is!
I am participating in an Alpha class at the church where I regularly attend - Alpha is a 10 week program in which Christians and non-Christians fellowship over a meal, before listening to a presentation about a basic belief of the Christian faith, and then break up into smaller groups to discuss that issue. This past Wednesday we discussed the topic of evil and how the primary vice of the devil is planting a seed of doubt in our minds. We doubt that God is good, doubt that He loves us. We doubt that we are worthy of affection, of friendship, of employment, of ...
I need constant affirmation, a day without it leaves me doubting - does he like me, does she want to be my friend, am I doing a good job? Am I pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, interesting enough, talented enough, fun enough? Am I ... enough??? Unfortunately I often look for that affirmation in the wrong place - from people, people just as insecure as myself. Every Christian "knows" that our true identity is in Christ, that we are affirmed by Him, but we often don't know it - doubt creeps in.
Currently I'm reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning - only on ch. 2, but I think the theme of the book (in Kendra terms) is: we are Abba'schild - good enough for God, so who cares about anybody else's opinion. Just be yourself! you is good enough.
Oh, but its so hard not to care about everybody else - the ones standing right in front of me. I can see the approval or disapproval on their faces. How I want to impress them, and receive their affirmation. Funny thing is, there's nothing more unimpressive than someone trying to impress you. How impressive and beautiful is the confident person who knows she is adored, adored and loved by God, without a thing to prove. I want to be her.
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from Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my belovedness...I kept refusing to hear the voice that speaks from the very depth of my being and says: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." That voice has always been there, but it seems that I was much more eager to listen to other louder voices saying: "Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you will earn the love you so desire."
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want" -my graduate adviser
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This tidbit of wisdom was given to me in response to a pretty time consuming and money consuming mistake I made in the lab last week. The mistake was definitely not "what I wanted" - so I guess I got "experience". The whole of one day was spent collecting almost 200 leaf samples, which I then began grinding up at 6am the next morning to extract dna from. The process can be long with so many samples, so I had to start early. On day two of the process, at about 6pm (12 hours later), I dropped one of the 2 plates of extracted dna on the ground - I was surprisingly calm - no cursing or crying:) - I just stared at it for a moment to comprehend what happened, figure out if it was salvageable (which it was not), and then continued working with the remaining plate. "Wow! I just lost half of all my work," I thought. Turns out the other plate didn't work either, so I actually lost all of the work that I'd done. 2 whole days of my life wasted!!! Wasted!!! Failures in the lab are quite common I'm told, and are what research is all about - learning via the process. Perhaps I'm not the ideal researcher, because I'm more interested in getting the job done, and do not have time for making such mistakes aka "gaining experience".
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From my journal on 12/18/07 concerning a different minor mishap: 'why do such things occur?' Why so many little frustrations that don't amount to enough to teach me any kind of lesson, but are just a nuisance?
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I put effort, time, and money into things - little things and big things - that don't always go as I've planned: lab experiments, relationships, cooking endeavors... And when they fail I think, "what a waste of time"! Why would God allow me to waste all that time? The obvious answer for the Christian is that God is strengthening, maturing, and drawing us nearer to Him. I think its easier to be convinced of that when we experience big flops, and God is growing us by leaps and bounds, while the smaller nagging ones just seem to be a nuisance. I have plenty of anecdotal flops to tell of - I'm quite good for that:) And most of them have been small scale, but I'd like to think that even though I've not faced any major hardships, God is still shaping and molding me just as much through the little losses I experience daily.
Elizabeth Elliot writes of how growing stronger from dealing with life's little nuisances has helped her not only to face life's greater sorrows, but also to realize that all of life's frustrations, big and small, are not a waste of time, but equally part of a process to draw her nearer to God. She writes:
While I understood in so great loss God surely must have some great gain in mind, I was not nearly saintly enough always to see the little needling trials of the day as my 'marching orders', the very process itself through which God's great gain would be realized. I was to march, not to leap and bound. It was left, right, left, right.
Too often I am concerned with the end result (i.e. getting dna from my leaf samples) and I want to accomplish my goal as quickly as possible. But God's goal is quite different than mine I think - He is less concerned about me getting to some artificial end, and is more concerned with the process itself - a process in which I get to know and experience Him. What seems like a failure and waste of time to me, is probably the exact opposite from heaven's vantage point - a goal accomplished and time well spent. If only I could see it that way too!
"In fasting, we learn how to suffer happily as we feast on God. And it is a good lesson, because in our lives we will suffer, no matter what else happens to us."
Dallas Willard The Spirit of the Disciplines ___________________________________
I like food. This makes fasting one of the more difficult spiritual disciplines to follow. Silence and solitude, celebration, simplicity - these other disciplines aren't as difficult because I'm naturally kinda quiet, enjoy time to myself, like to celebrate, and live a pretty simple life. Fasting, however, is much harder to swallow. The thought of fasting never occurred to me until about five years ago when I read Richard Foster's book Celebration of Discipline, which I've mentioned several times now. Initially I failed to see the spiritual benefit of fasting, yet decided to try it out, if for nothing other than the vanity of losing a pound or two. Foster said that its purpose and benefit would become more clear with practice, but after fasting from all but liquids once a week for about a year or two, I found myself becoming legalistic about it, dreading the day, and (I thought) not reaping much spiritual benefit from it, so I quit.
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2008 started with a short lived new year's resolution to make the spiritual disciplines a part of my 352 days. By early February (I'm just guessing - all I know is that it didn't take long), other things became greater priorities in my life. I wish I'd been more faithful in practicing the disciplines, because I think they would have prepared and helped me to deal more appropriately with the trials I faced that year. Among other losses, I mourned the death of both my grandparents. Suffering and death, disappointment big and small - they are an inevitable part of life, but how I respond to them is not. I was less than prepared to give a mature response to the disappointments I faced. I carried a face of gloom and allowed myself to become a product of my starving circumstances. I allowed myself to understand God and my own identity through that context, and I was neither happy with myself nor with Him. I felt quite lost, but was reminded by Coldplay that: "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost." Coldplay was right:) - circumstances always change & circumstances don't define me. Since I'm taking advice from pop artists, I might as well include Miss Stacie's advice to the downcast Anne (of Green Gables): "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."
One highlight of 2008 was running my first half marathon in February, and then in October I ran my first full marathon in Chicago. In my training for these races I found that some days were easy and my legs would just go, while other days I'd feel like I could barely run a mile cause my legs felt so heavy. Even within the course of a run, I'd find myself thinking "ugh! I can't make it," but then a few miles later I'd be singing in my head and thinking, "I could run forever!" I learned that things change - to push on through the hard miles and wait for the burst of energy that would allow me to keep going. Just because I was struggling then, didn't mean I'd be struggling for the whole run - and I could even enjoy pushing through the tiring parts because I knew that that's when I was making the greatest strides forward as a runner.
In 2009, I tried fasting again, but the newness of the idea had worn off, and now it was just a hassle - I'd get headaches, find myself not getting as much work done, or find myself hungry (obviously) - somehow I thought a discipline should be easy!?! As soon as I started, I thought about quitting again - again I was missing the point. So what is the point? I think it's just good 'ole fashioned discipline. Fasting is one small way we can teach ourselves how to be content in good times and bad - when we don't have exactly what we want. Fasting is not for forever, but for a set time that will pass, and it does not dictate our countenance(unless we let it), but provides opportunity to demonstrate where our joy truly comes from. It teaches us to press on with the day - whatever circumstance the day brings - hungry or not - to press on!
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Paul to the Phillipians ch. 4, vs. 11-13
I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
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Lent is the 40 day liturgical season in which Christians specifically devote themselves to prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. This year, lent begins on February 25th - "Ash Wednesday" - less than a week away!
Spring time (or late winter in Florida's case) is when breeders get busy - busy as bees. I am studying genetics/plant breeding at the University of Florida (GO GATORS!), and my adviser is a stone-fruit (peach, apricot, plum, cherry - but mostly peach) breeder. Currently we are making crosses in the field, which means that when a peach tree begins to bloom, we remove the petals and anthers of each flower before a bee can get to it, and brush pollen (of our own choosing) onto the flower's pistil to fertilize it. Later we'll collect the seeds in order to plant them (last year we planted approx. 8000 seedlings) - hoping that just one of them will have all the traits we want for a big, fat, juicy peach! (1) When the blossom swells, but is not yet open, (2) the petals & anthers are removed, and (3) a pencil eraser is used to make the pollination
Making these hybrid crosses takes about 2-3 hours everyday, but the time goes by fast out in a sunny orchard of blooming peach trees. The work is enjoyable - I love it in fact, and look forward to this time of year. But it can also be an exhausting time of year, especially amidst all of the other regularly scheduled activities going on. I like to keep busy, but I also like time to myself - its a constant little war. Of late, the busy side has been winning, and I've enjoyed the reign of activity, but the introvert in me is staging a protest - a kind of silent protest... a sit-down strike:) Really, I just need to practice the spiritual discipline of silence and solitude.
Silence and solitude means rest from activity and rest from others. It reestablishes the Christian's identity which is centered in Christ alone. It reminds her that she is not defined by what she does as a blogger, exerciser , or plant breeder. Nor does she exist merely in relationto others as a sister, daughter, or friend. Relationally, she is the child of God, and she does nothing to be identified as such. She just is...even in silence and solitude.
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Rest from activity...
I've not read much of Blaise Pascal for myself, but just after college I studied for a semester in France and took an introductory level french philosophy class there, in which Pascal was one of the thinkers presented. Because the professor was speaking in french, I missed a lot of what was said, but one idea made it passed the language barrier, because he kept saying it over and over: divertissement. The word translates into English as diversion, and the idea is that because man is aware of his smallness and impending death, he busies himself with diversions, pursuits, and activities to avoid thinking about his condition and who he really is.
Pascal writes... "The only thing which consoles us from our miseries is diversion, and yet this is the greatest of our miseries. For it is this which principally hinders us from reflecting upon ourselves and which makes us insensibly ruin ourselves...But diversion amuses us, and leads us unconsciously to death."
"But take away diversion, and you will see them dried up with weariness. They feel then their nothingness without knowing it; for it is indeed to be unhappy as soon as we are reduced to thinking of self and have no diversion."
"All of man's misfortune comes from one thing, which is not knowing how to sit quietly in a room."
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In Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer speaks of the importance of the day together and the day alone. He writes, "Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone." This statement rings true in my ears, which hear nothing but "I...I...I..." by my own lips when I've been too often alone, and nothing but meaningless prattle when I've been too frequently among others. On the topic of needing rest from others, Bonhoeffer continues...
Alone you stood before God when He called you; alone you had to answer that call; alone you had to struggle and pray; and alone you will die and give an account to God. You cannot escape from yourself; for God has singled you out. If you refuse to be alone you are rejecting Christ's call to you, and you can have no part in the community of those who are called.
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Silence and solitude is one of the spiritual disciplines, and though you'd think doing and saying nothing would require little effort, it is actually quite difficult. The few times I've intentionally tried it have resulted in...
1. me scheming of what to do next
or
2. me falling asleep.
Neither of these seem to get at the purpose - reestablishing the Christian's identity in Christ alone. This past week was especially filled with people and activity(it was a fun week!), but feeling a bit drained from it all, I decided to attend "soaking prayer" at a church down the street. The church is open so that people can come pray. I was neither in silence (there was music playing) nor in solitude (others were there too) - but it was the most quiet and by-myself that I'd been in awhile. There's something about a church building - ceiling ascending to a peak, moonlight filling the room through stained glass, an altar from which the bread and wine are given, a crucifix nailed on the wall - something that draws my thoughts to Christ. I didn't think about all the things I had left to do that day, I didn't fall asleep, I didn't even pray really - I just sat there with a sense of peace that in this near silence and solitude, I, as much as ever, belonged to Christ.
I prefer studying in coffee shops. The activity and dull noise there keeps me alert, but doesn't distract me from what I'm reading. The best is studying in coffee shops with a good friend - one with whom you can take a short study break to discuss what you're learning - or any other topic that pops into your head when you're supposed to be learning:) Anyways, last week I was studying in a coffee shop (unfortunately alone this time), and I was doing just fine until a guy came to sit with the boy across from me - and the two began talking. They were not providing the kind of background noise that I appreciate, rather I could make out the words of their conversation. At first it was just distracting - talk of sports and weight lifting, blah, blah, blah. Then a couple of girls came over to talk with them - more distraction. At this point I decided to get my i-pod out to provide my own coffee shop background noise. After the girls left, and as I was searching for Beethoven's opus 9, the one boy asked the other, "so what kind of fisherman are you?" The other guy was as clueless as I was, so the boy explained. "You know, are you a fly fisherman? do you just go after that one special girl, or do you fish in shallow waters and catch a bunch of fish or whatever is around." I put my earphones in, but did not press play. Unfortunately, I was unable to get a further description of all the possible types of fishermen there were. The guy just responded, "I don't know, but there's an awful lot of fish in the sea."
February 2 is "Chandeleur" as French Catholics call it, or "The Presentation of Christ in the Temple" as Anglicans have named this feast day, which celebrates the event recorded in Luke 2 when Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the temple - some history from wikipedia. Simeon, who was promised that he'd not die before seeing the messiah, was in the temple, and when he saw Jesus he prayed to God in thanksgiving for having beheld the one who would redeem the world. My friend tells me that the French celebrate this day by eating crèpes, so tonight (2 days late), she's inviting some friends over to eat crèpes. My assigned ingredient is blueberries. I have a big bag of them in my freezer that I picked last spring from the farm where my brother-in-law works. We'll heat them on the stove with some sugar, butter, and flour to make a sauce, and wrap them inside the crèpes to eat. Can't wait!
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My brother-in-law manages a large blueberry farm west of Gainesville. He and my sister also began a small farm of their own about three years ago, and they are one month away from their first harvest. Three years ago I got to help them take cuttings and plant them in a greenhouse they'd built, the next year they were planted in a nursery, and last Christmas our families helped transplant them into the five acre field where they are now beginning to fruit. Tonight, however, the fruit of their 3 years labor and investment are expected to be wiped out by a freeze.
Transplanting blueberry plants from the nursery into the field (Christmas 2007)
As I sit in my office I can hear the phone calls of growers calling to get advice from the blueberry expert whose office neighbors mine. Farmers in this area typically use overhead irrigation to protect their plants from such freezes - the constant running of water on the plants keeps the plant tissue from dropping below the temperature of freezing, and protects the flower buds and developing fruit from being destroyed. My brother-in-law has already spent many nights awake this winter - watching the weather from his truck to be ready to turn on the water if temperatures drop to low. This method has protected the plants several times already this winter when it has dropped below freezing at night. The next morning is quite a miracle to behold! - a winter wonderland of icicles dripping off of the uninjured berries. This form of protection, however, is rendered useless on such a cold and windy night as is predicted for tonight.
overhead irrigation providing a protective layer of ice on a field of blueberry bushes
When I talked with my sister on the phone this morning, she asked me to pray that the weather would not destroy their berries. I thought (to myself), "What's the point? Our prayers are not going to change God's mind or the weather." But who am I to say what God will do?!? My sister told me that she felt like the fear of bad weather was good in that it was causing her to pray more often. I thought (to myself again), "yeah, she's right, that's what prayer is really for, changing us (not God), and becoming ok with whatever He chooses to do." I told my sister that there's no point in worrying about tonight's weather b/c there's nothing she could do about it, that whatever happened would be God's will, and though it might make life a lot harder to lose their crop this year, it would ultimately be for the best. It was so easy for me to say.
I believe all that, but it was kind of a rotten thing to say. Kind of like Job's annoying friends - giving their wisdom when he just wanted some sympathy. Rather I should have been silent, listened to her contentions, and gotten down on my hands and knees to speak to the Almighty and argue with God on her behalf (Job 13). Yes, it is good to encourage and speak truth to one another, but it is also good to empathize, and to be honest about our fears before God.
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Job 13:3-6 But I would speak to the Almighty, And I desire to argue with God. But you smear with lies; You are all worthless physicians. O that you would be completely silent, And that it would become your wisdom! Please hear my argument And listen to the contentions of my lips.
There's not a list of spiritual disciplines in Scripture, but there are certain practices that Scripture identifies as good and profitable for spiritual formation (forming our spirits and character to the image of Christ). These practices have been being performed by Christian men and women throughout history. Some of them include, but are not limited to...
meditation (journaling, scripture memorization)
prayer
fasting
study (scripture, nature)
simplicity (frugal living)
silence & solitude
submission
service
confession
worship
guidance
celebration
Lately I've been interested in the subject of discipleship and spiritual discipline. Perhaps one factor contributing to that interest is my reading of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline about 5 years ago, and then again last year when I discovered it on my friend's bookshelf. I also found Dallas Willard's Spirit of the Disciplines, on her shelf, which I enjoyed so much that I searched for another of Willard's books to read over Christmas: The Great Omission. These books certainly impressed upon me the importance of the spiritual disciplines. I recommend all three, and each could probably be found in the "Christian Living" section of your local (or mega-chain) book store.
When I go into a book store, I normally steer clear of the Christian Living section and make my way to the theology section - I want the meat - the intellectually challenging stuff that has to be chewed on for awhile. I do the same when reading Scripture - skip over the pretty straight forward list of dos and don'ts to the passages that tell me about God and all the divine things we'll never be able to wrap our heads around. In a different way, these books also impress upon me the importance of the spiritual disciplines, because they show me that theology can not be truly tasted and digested apart from them.
I'd grown up in a church that emphasized Christian Living - what Christians do (or more often don't do). Theology was not the focus... the trinity was an egg in my mind - shell, white stuff, and yolk:) In college I took classes in church history and historical thought, and was baffled by all there was to learn about the faith I'd grown up in (and thought that I had all figured out, but really knew very little about). I'd had my fill of green eggs and ham and was ready to be an academic!! I'm showing my naivety and ignorance here, b/c somehow I managed to separate the two in my mind - knowledge of Christ (theology) vs. obedience to Christ (Christian living). I don't feel like a total turkey though b/c I see many around me doing the same - focusing on faith or works - orthodoxy or orthopraxy - but not both. I dreamed of going to seminary - to figure out the faith. I wanted to learn about God objectively from a classroom, not a church - I didn't want to learn about spiritual formation and all those emotionally-charged-God-moving-in-my-life-and-speaking-to-me sorts of churchy things. Fortunately, God was moving in my life, and brought me to Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. My first bit of reading was from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together, and I was surprised that this intellectually astute theologian was writing about Christian Living - reading your Bible, praying, singing hymns, etc. - I thought those were subjects for popular Christian writers or pastors, not great German theologians. My classes at Gordon-Conwell often began with the singing of a hymn and the professor praying - and I saw one or two of those professors brought to tears by his lecture material. My Christology professor said that theology could not be a purely academic pursuit, and that it was impossible to know God apart from worship - that God was not a subject to be studied intellectually, but a person to be experienced relationally. Looking back this seems so obvious, but I had my head in the clouds. By the way I took an entire class on the trinity, and still have no clue!
I can't tell you how refreshing it was to begin knowing God with not just my head, but also my heart, and my hands! I learned of Christ M-F in the classroom, in my readings, and discussions, but also in my mornings spent alone reading and memorizing Scripture, singing and praying, in my small group that prayed together weekly, and at church in the pastor's sermons, in the songs we sang, and in the prayers offered aloud by the charismatic lady who sat behind me - she was not a theologian, but I think she knew a lot more of God than I did.
I still gravitate to the theology section of the book store, but with the realization now that those theologians are not just academics who study scripture, but disciples who live and breathe it. I'm still skeptical of whispery/sweet/passionate prayers w/ music in the background, but with the realization now that not all emotion is staged, but true knowledge of God does often evoke emotion. I now realize that knowledge of Christ cannot be had without obedience to Christ and vice versa.
I have my degree (an M.A. in theology), so now its time to start a practice and go to work everyday. They say that's where the real learning takes place anyway.
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"Character is formed through action, and it is transformed through action, including carefully planned and grace-sustained disciplines." -Dallas Willard
I went to see the movie Defiance the other day, and recommend it to you. Its the true story of Russian Jews led by 4 brothers who all (1200 of them!) survived the Holocaust by hiding in the forest. The people endured multiple winters, sickness, and starvation. In one scene a Jewish rabbii led a prayer asking God to depart from them because they no longer wanted to be His special people - they no longer wanted to be a people set apart for Him because all it had brought them was suffering.
At one point the Germans were attacking them, and they fled the camp that they had built, and had to cross a boggy region reminiscent of the red sea. Before crossing the bog, one of the brothers declared to the people that God would not save them, He would not provide a miracle as He did for Moses, rather they must save themselves.
Honestly, I was looking for something a little more inspirational! Faithful is not how I would describe these men and women.
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Today I had the privilege of reading the first lesson and psalm at our Sunday worship service. The first lesson from Deuteronomy 18:15-20 described a people strikingly similar to those in the film. In today's passage, Moses told the Jews that God would send them another prophet like himself, reminding them of what they had asked of God at Mount Horeb - "Let me not hear again the voice of the Lord my God or see this great fire any more, lest I die." They too, out of fear, wanted God to depart from them.
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After the Russian Jews crossed the bog, the Jewish rabbi, lying on the ground to die, tells the eldest brother that he had almost lost his faith, b/c he thought that God had abandoned them, but then realized that he (the brother) was their miracle - their Moses - sent to them by God! Though the people were unfaithful, this one man (often doubting himself) persisted. Hebrews 11 recounts the heroes of the faith - Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, etc. - but they are not representative of the Jewish people - they are the exceptions - the ones through whom God saved His people. God's people have never been faithful - the film's inspiration comes instead from the Lord's faithfulness to so defiant and obstinate of a people.
The other night I went with some friends to the first in a series of french films being shown for free at the Hippodrome. It was quite a multicultural (and food filled) event... tapas at a cuban restaurant with a new friend from England, a taste of Italian gelato on the way to coffee at Starbucks(yes, Starbucks is a culture of its own), and a french film about revolution in Chile, followed by king's cake for all the movie goers. All this within a block of downtown Gainesville! The film was really good I thought - a little humor, perhaps a little too much thoughtfulness - just my style:) The story depicted life through the eyes of a child, so there were lots of comical and insightful misunderstandings.
Wkipedia's synopsis:A 9-year-old girl, Anna de la Mesa, weathers big changes in her household as her parents become radical political activists in 1970-71 Paris. Her Spanish-born lawyer father, Fernando, is inspired by his family's opposition to Franco and Salvadore Allende's victory in Chile; he quits his job and becomes a liaison for Chilean activists in France. Her mother, a Marie Claire journalist-turned-writer documenting the stories of women's abortion ordeals, supports her husband and climbs aboard the ideological bandwagon. As a result, Anna's French bourgeois life is over. She must adjust to refugee nannies, international cuisine and a cramped apartment full of noisy revolutionaries.
I definitely would recommend the film, and would really like to see it again for myself, because I think it has a lot of interesting things to say - and I probably only caught about a fifth of them:) Having said that, I feel pretty inadequate to comment on the film, because I know very little nothing about Chilean politics, and because the film was packed full of social/political/religious/philosophical ideas that were far too overwhelming to sort through after just one viewing. I do have one comment, though, about the films depiction of religion as merely a cultural product...
The little girl, Anna, attends a Catholic school where she learns, and is very satisfied with, the genesis account of creation. Thereafter she asks her greek nanny, spanish grandparents, and then asian nanny about how the world began, and is given different stories of greek gods, then roman gods, and then one of buddhist philosophy I think. The film implies that because different culturally influenced answers to that question have been given, no answer exists. The film's conclusion on this point, I think, is that Anna can pick whatever she wants to believe, or is it that she should believe nothing at all? Either way, religious faith and ideals are portrayed as ignorance and unawareness of the bigger/multicultural world. The irony is that the film is all about ideals - of what is good and just. Isn't faith and religion (belief in something beyond the material world), exactly where those ideals come from? Can such noble ideas exist and persist in an a-religious culture where materialism gives no motivation or foundation for such ideals?
Just recently I was talking with my little sister about a leadership program that she had attended, in which at one point she was asked to make a list of individuals who have had a positive impact on her life. My name made the list. Can't you just picture me now...big 'ole fat head glowing, and a proud smile across my face? Ok, so it did feel good to hear that (even if it was just my little sister, who's totally expected to look up to her big sister), but more than leaving me with a sense of pride, I was left with a sense of responsibility and calling. I was surprised because I didn't know she was paying attention. It really made me stop and think...my life affects her life, whether I'm aware of it or not - everything I do and say either helps or hurts her. As it does with everyone I encounter, and everyone they encounter. I was encouraged to find that my life had contributed to something good, and has the potential to contribute to a lot more good in the lives of many others. Others - they are not just my little sister, my teacher, my friend, my classmate, my fellow church member. Not just an extra or supporting actress in my story, but a story and a life all their own. A whole unique, thinking, feeling, dynamic person that I experience, yes, but who also experiences me. What will the effect be? It gave me a sense of calling, more so than I've been able to recognize with respect to any academic pursuit or career. A calling to others. The motto of Berry College, where I received my undergraduate eduction, was "be a lifter, not a leaner". And the founder, Martha Berry, would quote from Scripture, "Not to be ministered unto, but to minister." I hope to represent my Alma Mater well.
I would probably not have been so excited ten days ago when I expected these little guys to start popping up. But with each day a little more angst accumulates, so that when the anticipated event arrives there is a supply of excitement to be had. A few weeks ago I planted 500 peach seed for the final experiment of my master's thesis project. Now I am waiting for the seed to germinate. Its important that the experiment work in order to graduate on time - and I like to be on time. I reported to my adviser with concern, "No seedlings have germinated yet!". I thought he'd be concerned too, but he wasn't. "Just wait", he said, "they're fine, don't worry." but of course, I worried. Last year when I did this experiment the seed wasted no time in choosing to root and shoot. This year they're apparently less ambitious.
Not me. I'm ambitious... I'm impatient. Come on, let's go! I realized about 15 years ago that this was a problem and decided that I'd like to acquire some patience, but the process is taking so long! Why so long?
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I read T.S. Elliot's Murder in the Cathedral my senior year of high school and this line from the chorus stuck: "We wait, and the time is short, but the waiting is long."
I consider myself still new to the church I've been attending since this past summer, which helps me feel better for not knowing the names of all those in the congregation. There is one particular couple that always greets me with a warm smile, and I've asked their name a few times and they've done the same to me, but the following week we both have that blank look like, "I know you, but I can't remember your name". Today it clicked. I said, "Peace to you Fred", and he responded, "and to you Kendra". What Joy! Most would think something so small as a name shouldn't be that important... but it is.
At the beginning of the worship service we "pass the peace", aka "greet each other". I've never been to a church with so long a time for greeting one another. At first it was awkward, but now I love it. I've greeted one of the ministers there a few times, but before today she didn't know my name. When I knelt at the altar today, she said, "The body of our Lord Jesus Christ, Kendra," while placing the bread in my hands. I felt a tingle at the end of my nose, as I often do when experiencing something of the divine - she said my name! Most would think that the divine could not be physically experienced - especially not in one's nose:) - and that there's nothing divine about a name... but that's what sacrament is - "a visible sign of an invisible reality". And I think that part of the reason why the Hebrews never spoke the name of God: "Yahweh" - was because they considered themselves unworthy of such divinity on their lips.
After the Eucharist, the priest paused before continuing with the liturgy and said that he felt the spirit prodding him to say, "The Lord calls you by name." I don't know what today's experiences are to mean for my life. I don't know if my name spoken today was the Lord calling me to anything other than that church fellowship, or to this day's worship. But, it impressed upon me the importance of a name - the name of a person, and how wonderful it is for a person to be known by name.
