La Faute de Fidel

The other night I went with some friends to the first in a series of french films being shown for free at the Hippodrome. It was quite a multicultural (and food filled) event... tapas at a cuban restaurant with a new friend from England, a taste of Italian gelato on the way to coffee at Starbucks (yes, Starbucks is a culture of its own), and a french film about revolution in Chile, followed by king's cake for all the movie goers. All this within a block of downtown Gainesville! The film was really good I thought - a little humor, perhaps a little too much thoughtfulness - just my style:) The story depicted life through the eyes of a child, so there were lots of comical and insightful misunderstandings.

Wkipedia's synopsis: A 9-year-old girl, Anna de la Mesa, weathers big changes in her household as her parents become radical political activists in 1970-71 Paris. Her Spanish-born lawyer father, Fernando, is inspired by his family's opposition to Franco and Salvadore Allende's victory in Chile; he quits his job and becomes a liaison for Chilean activists in France. Her mother, a Marie Claire journalist-turned-writer documenting the stories of women's abortion ordeals, supports her husband and climbs aboard the ideological bandwagon. As a result, Anna's French bourgeois life is over. She must adjust to refugee nannies, international cuisine and a cramped apartment full of noisy revolutionaries.

I definitely would recommend the film, and would really like to see it again for myself, because I think it has a lot of interesting things to say - and I probably only caught about a fifth of them:) Having said that, I feel pretty inadequate to comment on the film, because I know very little nothing about Chilean politics, and because the film was packed full of social/political/religious/philosophical ideas that were far too overwhelming to sort through after just one viewing. I do have one comment, though, about the films depiction of religion as merely a cultural product...

The little girl, Anna, attends a Catholic school where she learns, and is very satisfied with, the genesis account of creation. Thereafter she asks her greek nanny, spanish grandparents, and then asian nanny about how the world began, and is given different stories of greek gods, then roman gods, and then one of buddhist philosophy I think. The film implies that because different culturally influenced answers to that question have been given, no answer exists. The film's conclusion on this point, I think, is that Anna can pick whatever she wants to believe, or is it that she should believe nothing at all? Either way, religious faith and ideals are portrayed as ignorance and unawareness of the bigger/multicultural world. The irony is that the film is all about ideals - of what is good and just. Isn't faith and religion (belief in something beyond the material world), exactly where those ideals come from? Can such noble ideas exist and persist in an a-religious culture where materialism gives no motivation or foundation for such ideals?

Called to Minister

Just recently I was talking with my little sister about a leadership program that she had attended, in which at one point she was asked to make a list of individuals who have had a positive impact on her life. My name made the list. Can't you just picture me now...big 'ole fat head glowing, and a proud smile across my face? Ok, so it did feel good to hear that (even if it was just my little sister, who's totally expected to look up to her big sister), but more than leaving me with a sense of pride, I was left with a sense of responsibility and calling. I was surprised because I didn't know she was paying attention. It really made me stop and think...my life affects her life, whether I'm aware of it or not - everything I do and say either helps or hurts her. As it does with everyone I encounter, and everyone they encounter. I was encouraged to find that my life had contributed to something good, and has the potential to contribute to a lot more good in the lives of many others. Others - they are not just my little sister, my teacher, my friend, my classmate, my fellow church member. Not just an extra or supporting actress in my story, but a story and a life all their own. A whole unique, thinking, feeling, dynamic person that I experience, yes, but who also experiences me. What will the effect be? It gave me a sense of calling, more so than I've been able to recognize with respect to any academic pursuit or career. A calling to others. The motto of Berry College, where I received my undergraduate eduction, was "be a lifter, not a leaner". And the founder, Martha Berry, would quote from Scripture, "Not to be ministered unto, but to minister." I hope to represent my Alma Mater well.

The Wait

A seedling has emerged!!!

I would probably not have been so excited ten days ago when I expected these little guys to start popping up. But with each day a little more angst accumulates, so that when the anticipated event arrives there is a supply of excitement to be had. A few weeks ago I planted 500 peach seed for the final experiment of my master's thesis project. Now I am waiting for the seed to germinate. Its important that the experiment work in order to graduate on time - and I like to be on time. I reported to my adviser with concern, "No seedlings have germinated yet!". I thought he'd be concerned too, but he wasn't. "Just wait", he said, "they're fine, don't worry." but of course, I worried. Last year when I did this experiment the seed wasted no time in choosing to root and shoot. This year they're apparently less ambitious.

Not me. I'm ambitious... I'm impatient. Come on, let's go! I realized about 15 years ago that this was a problem and decided that I'd like to acquire some patience, but the process is taking so long! Why so long?

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I read T.S. Elliot's Murder in the Cathedral my senior year of high school and this line from the chorus stuck: "We wait, and the time is short, but the waiting is long."

a person's name

I consider myself still new to the church I've been attending since this past summer, which helps me feel better for not knowing the names of all those in the congregation. There is one particular couple that always greets me with a warm smile, and I've asked their name a few times and they've done the same to me, but the following week we both have that blank look like, "I know you, but I can't remember your name". Today it clicked. I said, "Peace to you Fred", and he responded, "and to you Kendra". What Joy! Most would think something so small as a name shouldn't be that important... but it is.

At the beginning of the worship service we "pass the peace", aka "greet each other". I've never been to a church with so long a time for greeting one another. At first it was awkward, but now I love it. I've greeted one of the ministers there a few times, but before today she didn't know my name. When I knelt at the altar today, she said, "The body of our Lord Jesus Christ, Kendra," while placing the bread in my hands. I felt a tingle at the end of my nose, as I often do when experiencing something of the divine - she said my name! Most would think that the divine could not be physically experienced - especially not in one's nose:) - and that there's nothing divine about a name... but that's what sacrament is - "a visible sign of an invisible reality". And I think that part of the reason why the Hebrews never spoke the name of God: "Yahweh" - was because they considered themselves unworthy of such divinity on their lips.

After the Eucharist, the priest paused before continuing with the liturgy and said that he felt the spirit prodding him to say, "The Lord calls you by name." I don't know what today's experiences are to mean for my life. I don't know if my name spoken today was the Lord calling me to anything other than that church fellowship, or to this day's worship. But, it impressed upon me the importance of a name - the name of a person, and how wonderful it is for a person to be known by name.

je suis apaisé

Psaume 131
Seigneur, je suis sans prétention,
mon regard ne manifeste pas d’ambition.
Je ne vise pas la grandeur, ni ce qui est trop haut pour moi.
Au contraire, je reste calme et tranquille,
comme un jeune enfant près de sa mère.
Comme cet enfant, je suis apaisé.
Israël, compte sur le Seigneur, dès maintenant et toujours.

Psalm 131
O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
my soul is like a weaned child within me.
O, Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.

My first (and only) language is English. I've studied french and spent some time in France learning the language, but I'm far from fluent. I've studied even less of spanish, german, latin, and greek, but I like to read the psalms in these other languages sometimes. I often don't understand what I'm reading unless I read the English too, but I'm o.k. at pronunciation and can at least sound out the words. A silly thing to do perhaps, which is probably one reason why I do it:) Included in my reasons for multilingual-psalm-reading is a meager academic attempt to keep up with the vocabulary and grammar I've learned in each of those languages, but more so I think it helps me to appreciate the fact that the word of God is not bound by words, language, or culture. It helps me to visualize the reality being spoken, and not get distracted by the familiarity of the English words being spoken. For some reason the image of a child resting on her mothers breast in Psalm 131 is more vivid when the letters, words, and sentences are foreign to me.

And the image is beautiful! I've looked on as my sister has nursed each of her three daughters. When a baby wants to eat, no matter how chubby and well fed she may be, she cries and kicks and almost panics until she latches onto her mother. The baby's affection is based on what she can get from her mother. But a weaned child no longer needs breast milk, and yet the psalm depicts that child resting on her mother's breast nonetheless - not because of what her mother will give her, but simply to be near her. The child's affection is based on appreciation and love, irrespective of what her mother will do for her.

The psalm of course is comparing the child's relationship to her mother with that of the christian's to her Lord. And I find it a very accurate comparison. O, that I would give up such infantile behavior and relax - just rest and enjoy His presence.

"Things haven't changed much"

Yesterday I attended a talk on the history of horticultural science and technology. The speaker, a well respected geneticist and plant breeder, used art to show how horticulture has changed over the thousands of years of human history. One phrase was repeated frequently: "Things haven't changed much." It was an ironic phrase to be speaking in front of an audience of plant scientists, whose life work revolves around developing new technologies and discovering the new of science.

In a recent class, taught by one of the scientists from that audience, also gave a brief history of science and technology - but his history began only 200 years ago, with Charles Darwin. I suppose it is accurate to say that modern science did begin around the time of the so called "Enlightenment", but the tendency (among scientists especially) is to think that people knew nothing but myths and fables prior to modern science - as if science were the only realm in which knowledge could be discovered. After all, human history prior to the Enlightenment was a history of ignorance right - the "dark age"? Indeed, science has answered a lot of questions in the last 200 years, but science is only one category in the pie - only the green wedge in our trivial pursuit to understand life:) I am a scientist, and I believe my work as such is meaningful - meaningful but limited. I can only ask questions that can be answered in a laboratory with measurements and observation. Anyone who knows me, knows that I ask a lot of questions - and I can assure you that most of them cannot be answered by experiment in a laboratory. There is so much more to know - things that only art, music, literature, history, language, religion etc. is suited to answer. Questions from those categories have been being answered since the beginning of human history. And the reality is - things haven't changed much. Modern science has given us a new lens, a microscope lens, with which to understand our world, and the view is fascinating! but it is the same world that was being seen and understood thousands of years ago by men and women no less human and intelligent than us today.

Decisions

Making decisions is so hard for me. Little decisions are challenging enough, but when the big life choices arise, that's when I get stressed out. Ordering a meal at a restaurant can be tough:) - what if my choice is not absolutely delicious, or if my neighbors plate looks more appetizing than mine?!? Torturous, right? When I go clothes shopping, I absolutely cannot decide on an item in the store, so I usually buy more than I plan to keep, take it home to make my decision over the course of a few days, and then return the items I don't want. I've discovered that you can pretty much return anything purchased in a store!

Bigger life decisions, however, cannot be returned. I don't have many regrets in life, so I don't know why I'm so afraid of making a choice that I'll regret. Even the "regrets" have had accompanying life lessons that I'd never take back. Yet the fear can be crippling. Often my decision making method has been retreat - to ignore the decision needing to be made and let time decide my fate (its actually worked ok so far). I wish someone could just make the big decisions for me - someone who never makes mistakes of course. In Ethics, Dietrich Bonhoeffer identifies Adam & Eve's choice to eat the forbidden fruit, as their choice to be the decision makers. Doubting God's provision for them, they wanted independence - to be the deciders of their own fate. What an awful choice! How could they possibly know better than God. And now we're stuck with it - this choosing. Trying to figure out what is good for us, when we've no clue of the future or the bigger picture. I wish that someone else could make this decision for me, but now its mine to make.

Its too late to be stopped at the cross roads
each life here, each a possible way,
but wait and they all will be lost roads,
each path growing shorter the longer I stay
I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose.
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose,
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move,
and trust that the timing is right.
I will hold it up to the light
-not sure who wrote these lyrics

Valkyrie

Went to see Valkyrie at the theater tonight. It is the true story of a failed attempt to kill Hitler and overthrow Nazi Germany by members of the German army. The honor, bravery, and courage of the men who risked and lost their lives for the sake of goodness was inspiring. I left the theater thinking... I don't want to be lazy.

I just came back from Christmas in Tennessee w/ all of my mom's side of the family - it was so much fun. We played, and played - Rockband, Boggle, scrabble, ultimate frisbee, football, tennis, had a ping pong tournament, went ice skating, and hiking, sang around a bonfire... what a sweet life - almost syrupy. What a stark contrast to the lives of those in the movie - those in the real world only 60 years ago. Life was much more intense and serious for them - they didn't have the luxury of thinking about things such as Rockband, or college football, or fashion, or the latest film. I personally rather think of those things. They are good and fun, and I try pretty hard not to miss out on the fun of life. Don't want to live a serious and boring life of gloom and doom, but don't want to live thoughtlessly either, flitting from one entertainment to the next. I don't want to be lazy.

There's a Pedro the Lion line that resonates: "Laziness cuts me like fine cutlery."

...and a favorite from U2: "Not afraid to die, not afraid to live, and when I'm flat on my back I hope to feel like I did....did I waste it? not so much I couldn't taste it, life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement."

Discipleship - not cheap grace

I and perhaps most Christians struggle with Phillipians 2:12, "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling". "Work" and "salvation" in the same sentence is confusing to a reformed church steeped in sola gratia. Isn't work the enemy of grace? We are obsessed with the T of TULIP– total depravity, which reminds us that we contribute NOTHING to our salvation. We read Romans 3:10-18, "there is none righteous…there is none who understands…there is none who does good." So how could we possibly work out our salvation? Doesn't work imply some sort of human contribution, opposed to to the doctrine of grace? I’ve heard such work explained away simply as a taking stock of our behavior to indicate whether or not we will be saved (go to heaven) when we die. Work by that interpretation is not human effort, but a kind of reading of the signs - thus its ok b/c it doesn't threaten to diminish grace. Honestly, I don’t think that’s what Paul meant.

Such a perspective views salvation only as "life after death", and ignores the life that Christ calls us to live here on earth. Such a perspective views grace as "God letting us into heaven despite our wickedness", and ignores the grace that allows us to be holy and righteous in the world now. In The Cost of Discipleship, Dietrich Bonhoeffer terms this perspective "cheap grace".

The problem that Bonhoeffer identifies, is that the church has sought to preserve grace (salvation by grace alone through Christ alone) by eliminating all human effort and anything that smacks of "work" from the lives of Christians. To prove that we're saved by grace alone, and to prove that we're not saved b/c we've done good works or chosen to abandon vulgar behaviors - to prove this, we emphasize our wretchedness and even brag of our vulgarities. The result is that our lives look no different than the lives of the rest of the unbelieving world (the invisible difference, of course, is that by the luck-of-the-divine-draw our sins are forgiven and theirs are not, so we get to go to heaven, and they don’t).
Does the reformed church really believe this? Perhaps we don’t put it quite like that, but I think that’s basically the doctrine of grace that most reformed believers adhere to.

But that is not grace, that is cheap grace.

If we read beyond Romans 3, beyond the Old Testament description of our total depravity, we find that man is given new life through Christ - new life that is no longer depraved, but free to perform works of righteousness. Its here that Paul also rejects the cheap grace perspective: that Christ’s death and resurrection have paid for our sins, and therefore we can and should go on sinning so that grace may abound (Romans 6:1). Grace does not abound only in providing heaven to sinners. Grace abounds in sinners restored to the image of God. Grace abounds in sinners walking daily in newness of life, which of course includes eternal life (Romans 6:4). Grace abounds in sinners working out their salvation through fear and trembling, for it is only by God’s grace that we are able to perform good works, follow, and obey Him. Grace abounds in discipleship.
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2 Bonhoeffer quotes...
"Cheap grace means grace as a doctrine, a principle, a system," and "therefore amounts to a denial of the living Word of God, in fact, a denial of the Incarnation of the Word of God."

"So long as our church holds the correct doctrine of justification, there is no doubt whatever that she is a justified church…so we leave the following of Christ to legalists …and enthusiasts – and all this for the sake of grace, for cheap grace, the bitterest foe of discipleship, has freed me from that rigor."

...and a U2 lyric
"Grace, she travels outside of karma, when she goes to work, you can hear her strings. Grace, she carries a world on her hip...she carries a pearl in perfect condition."