Ridiculous

"The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear"
U2
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Everyone wants to be cool. I try to be cool, but its just so hard:) Its neither hot nor cold, just somewhere in the middle - apathetic. Its "cool" to be cool, "cool" to be apathetic, to not care, to be unaffected and without emotion - don't let any body or any situation rattle you. But its so hard because our little human heart is always wanting to go crazy - to believe in something, to be on fire about something. We care.

A dear friend and her husband stopped through Gainesville last week to visit - they are super cool people - what I mean is that they are really "wonderful" people, but "apathetic" by no means. They've packed up their house and are off to Ethiopia in a few months to minister to young women brutalized by sex trafficking and looking to start life afresh. They left me a cd they'd recently picked up called "Can you hear us?" (not by the David Crowder Band). Its not an uplifting-easy-listening sort of cd - all the songs are about social injustice. As I listen on my way to work this morning, I find myself wanting to cry - I feel a little ridiculous at the stop light, and hope no one will look over and see me. I especially like the first song on the album - the chorus is catchy, and I find myself still singing it long after the car engine is turned off and the cd stops.

"Wouldn't this be ridiculous!"

The verses are a series of hypotheticals: "What if we...(did something for the oppressed), Instead of...(doing something for ourselves)". In our cool culture that really is ridiculous and extreme...and a little edgy. What if we cared, and lived as if we cared about something bigger than ourselves? I feel suffocated and get claustrophobic just chillin' in the middle of cool - let me outside, let me be a little crazy. I want to be ridiculous.

just keep going

Today I got to read the first lesson and psalm in church. I love to read aloud - so this task fits me well:) Today's reading was quite long though, and contained a list of OT names that weren't so easy to pronounce, so I wasn't totally feeling it and hurried my way through. Feelings are so unreliable I've discovered (again and again and again...). They were unreliable again today. This "long and boring passage" contained more than I initially thought - the message I needed to hear. It was the story of Hannah, who was barren, but prayed to God fervently for a son. I'm sure she must have felt weary of saying that same prayer over and over. But in time, God blessed her with a child, and she bore a son whom she named Samuel. Today's gospel lesson from Luke 18 made the same case for persisting in prayer - "And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart..." The sermon naturally followed: don't give up! keep praying!

I feel like giving up far too often. I went for a run before church this morning. I'd been feeling tired and heavy all week. I attempted to do a longer run yesterday and didn't make it as far as I would have liked, so I tried again today - hoping that today would break the cycle. I started strong and felt good for most of the way, but then I started feeling tired again, and felt like giving up. My mantra for the remainder of the run: "It's ok to feel tired, JUST KEEP GOING!"

travelling in Gainesville

I've got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me.

I love to travel. For the past two weeks I've been house and dog sitting for a family on the other side of town. They will return this afternoon, so this morning I packed up my stuff and drove back to my house in NW Gainesville. As soon as my body is put in motion, my mind takes off as well. I don't have to move far, just be in motion - I think it keeps me fresh, alive, new - it does something. I am in between here and there, and there's a freedom of thought and independence in that place. Reminds me I'm not stuck in a moment and not stuck in a place. I'm living, moving, breathing - I'm free and I like it.

another day

Through another day, another trial,
another chance to reconcile to one who sees past all I can see

Again my perspective unravels, again my mind needs renewed. Always coming back, cause I'm always wandering off. Prone to wander...

Lord, my will has deceived me
please come and free me
come rescue this child
for I long to be reconciled to you
refine me

all I can do is give my heart and soul to you
and pray...
and pray...
oh, I will pray

Walk with me empty, walk with me strong
The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
It is like a balm, it is like a jewel
It unravels all I thought I knew

swing low!

I'm waiting on the light to change...
Oh, love won't let you go
it bends and reaches low

and love alone is not enough to hold us up
we've got to touch your robe
so swing your robe down low

Swing Low!
Sweet Chariot!

too wonderful for me

this morning's psalm:
139
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
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Today I am overwhelmed with God's love. Can I hold it in? - not really - it seeps out through tears from my eyes and in songs from my lips. It is a strong love - more than I can think to want or ask for. It is passionate and seeking, jealous and possessive. and it is love for ME!?!
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today's ipod selection:

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
-Jon Foreman

the liturgy

...Remake us and lead us by your spirit, the comforter...

...and blessed be His kingdom, now, and forever. Amen
...Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known...
...You are seated at the right hand of the Father, receive our prayer...
...as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen.
...Through Him all things were made. For us and for our salvation..
...May we also come to share in your heavenly kingdom...
...Heaven and earth are full of Your glory. Hosanna in the Highest...
...Give us this day our daily bread...
...Therefore let us keep the feast...
...We come to your table as your children, not presuming, but assured, not trusting ourselves, but your word...
...Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ...

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words...words...words...

This was today's liturgy - the same words we spoke last week - we will say them again next week. I felt both excited and frustrated speaking them again today. The words speak of truth and life, and I know it, and it is exciting to be so close to something so real. Close, but not there - the words are just out of my grasp, and that causes the frustration. I want to wrap my mind around them, and understand their full weight, control them - but I can't. The words of the liturgy are deep - I can't get the full meaning of them, and even if I could get at the fullness of these words, the reality they themselves attempt to express is much deeper still.

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!
Romans 11:33

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God's action and presence among us is so beyond our comprehension that sober description and accurate definition are no longer functional...all language, but especially language that deals with transcendence, with God is inadequate and falls short. -Eugene Peterson, Eat This Book

long and slow

Psalm 52
Create in me a clean heart O God
and renew a steadfast spirit within me
Do not cast me away from your presence
and do not take your Holy Spirit from me
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and sustain me with a willing spirit.
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I am trying to teach my mind
to bear the long, slow growth
of the fields, and to sing
of its passing while it waits
-Wendell Berry
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In this posture let me live
and Hosannas daily give.
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Give us this day our daily bread
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